Cry for help please?
ever since i was a little boy

by {Karl emsley}

i never felt loved since as far back as i can remember, never, dont no y but to this day nothing as changed
i had a dad never there always away as he was a wagon driver and when he did come home i was usually in bed ready to get up and leave for the next morning,

even at the age of twelve i had to sit in bed at about 630 in the evening while looking out the window watching others play ,and even that wasent good anought, as i was told to get into bed you got school in morning
this was said by my dad who was down stairs with my mum or mum with some other bloke who had stayed is this normal ,go to bed and you can have day of school if ya dont tell ya dad

it dident feel right and as i got older this gets worse i just expect all women to be like this

its like someone as printed it in my head out loud “DO NOT LEAVE WOMEN HOME ALONE “because you can bet your last dollar they will ******* about,

then as time goes on you grow up a bit more get a girl friend some 1 you love but caint trust cause after all if you caint trust your own mum who can ya trust this is the woman you love who gave you life

it feels like i was shut in my bedroom so i dident have many friends so at school i was always my myself.
so i dont mix very well with other people,never quit feel like i fit in with anyone properly always feel like the odd 1 out

then i met tina thought she was great but then fell in love and never dare to leave here side due to my past and lord behold she does ,goes with one of my so called m8s when im in prison for somthing she did ,”NICE ONE” this really sent me of the rails

in the end i went homeless for awhile about 1 year living on the streets in a bus shelter doing petrol glue pritty fucked up most nights this took the pain away and keeped the cold out when i caim back i met a girl called tracy things was ok for a little while then here we go again she goes of with stig here x for night

well this is really proving a point

so i go single for a while longer ” but still always lost feeling vunrable”working but always drunk out of bed work then pub and back to bed , then 1 day what was i thinking i get talking to tracys sister 1 thing leads to another 12 years later too kids, but i never wanted any as i new i had problems and dident feel i would make a very good dad

i always said i dont want kids but no i was robbed of my life by sue and i really do **** here for thjis as she said she was on the pill ,
any way i stand by here do the right thing eventualy get
good job where we were on the up ,except here sister tracy moves and lives next door this waS A LIVING HELL OHHH by the way she lives with my younger brother james but it aint that bad ever day i come home to ether tracy in my house or james laughing joking with my girl

is this normal or just me paronoid??

,**** nose but by head shour felt like it was going to pop ether tracy would talk to me to **** sue of or james would be with sue to get to me but i thought **** this its just me past and every thing playing tricks

but in the end it got the better of me in the end to the point i just wanted to work drink take drugs to ease the pain, i was always thinking they doing it to split us up because i new tracy still loved me and james had a soft spot for sue ,this went on for about 1 year i caint take this anymore

why do the people you love always hurt you

my head is fucked no real friends no stable home always walking round in a daze feeling like killing myself then christmas comes i go out for drink and come back and get told sue and james were kissing at top of stairs in my other brothers house so now what does my head think this must of been going on ages but no they insist it was just a kiss well you keep ya kisses

at this point i left only to think right payback
so i get of with tracy not cause i like her just to get in here head like she had mine
3 weeks will do i was the nicest i could be to here and she loved it i new she was in love with me,

with all her hart then “POW

i walked just to hurt here like she did me what sort of person am i full of **** twisted dont trust no one any more ,and prob never again always sad never seem to smile well of i go again hurt by what is going on around me

so i move in to my other younger brothers daniels things are ok for about six month i stayed single then i start getting feelings for fiona nice lady funny working but abit crazy and anyway a few month go by we talk every night things seem ok taking it slow

whats the problem with this nothing exept me with past thoughts and fiona been sams mum ,um who is sam you think well let me tell you its my younger brothers girl friend and now im dating here mum for **** sake is this normal answer ,NO

but it felt right we were ok together for a while then i new i loved here and lord help me,,

out pop the demonds all over again

no trust always on at her were you been who with caint control my thoughts in my head

there is no trust in me nowhere its totyaly gone ,if she leaves my side im like a mental bull bad thought after thought running like a steam train no stopping to the point i am now crazy all these uncontrolled thoughts can go on for 5 ten hours even days they just run away with me leaving me to brake down draind of all consumption and if i tell the truth i now realise i am far from a normal person

fiona nows all my past and tryed to stand by me but at the price of love as now im that paronoid if she walks dog 2 long i think she up to no good i try and try to find the trust in me but it aint here the more i try the worse it gets just like fighting all the time with your iner self , i now feel all my trust has gone and there is nothing left its totaly gone it been stolen from me my my family and i now feel i caint go on living in this shitty world i dont want to be single but dont want to have a partner i caint trust

i caint work i caint let fiona go to work all because i ***** up this is so unfair to us we have tryed for care allowance but been turned down so now we live in our house scint looking out the window with the world rushing bye like a blanket suffercating me,

fionas dauter prob thinks im a total ******* and ever row we have takes here mums side “caint really blame her for that” but i do as i care about her too but if i go there house i feel so uncumfortuble i usally stay about 5 mins then back to my comfort zone

so know i got fiona and my 2 kids that visit who are daniel and karl loads of bills no money caint aford to live really so what do i do i have asked fiona to move out as i really want better for her and me i dont want to live feeling she was my carer more than my partner and it as taken about 1 month of rowing to get her to go not cause i **** here because i love her so much but no i am not right what woman should have to live with somone like me sit in a bedroom with me no money no food caint afford to put fire on no presents for christmas this is no life for no won

what sort of monster would i be if i had let here stay

its been one night now im hart broke and miss her so much what do i do?? ,i no money, home alone,no family where do i go from hear for the last six hours i have been crying i loved her so much but had to push her away nowing when or if i see or here she with somone else it will break my hart and think this will finish me

would it really be too selfish of me to end my life after all i was not asked to be born or treated like this i was just a child and now i am 37,, and the pain is very strong and uncontrolleble !!! i am get weaker just feel like i am drownding or the world is rolling straight over the top of me,i can whatch tv and its there really bad thoughts over powering

what would my kids & fiona think of me, and my so called family.???? if i did i caint put them all through the pain of losing me

i really dont want to go on any more but dont have the strength to take my life

ps i have also been under normal doctors for over 6 years for manic depression and then refered to special docs at hospitals for over 12 month treated with, ritalin ,methephenadate,conserter xl , but all these do is stimulate my problems and seem to cause split persanality,scitsafrinia more depresion and panic attacks and they wont offer counciling because of my past they say this will make me worse too

i really dont think i got a chance in life any more

i hope this makes sence to some of you or is it im just crazy ::?????::

and even after all this i still try get on with them the best i can simply because i love them so no hard feeling to them they ask me come to party do this do that have a laugh

and just lately i always say no as i am like scared to be round them hence me now sitting in bedroom no friends no girlfriend so alone in my fucked up world getting worse and worse each day dont comunicate with no one any more just sat here all twisted and fucked up thinking of songs for my fundril that would pierce there harts for the damage caused to me through no falt of my own if i dont pull through and snap out of this it really will be THE END

songs for request

to fiona i take you hart to the other side and will wait for you ,,,,suspisios minds & Jodie – heartbroken

danny & karl
im so sorry i was **** a let down to you both your loving dad ,and boys you got to promise to please try make somthing of you lives i did try do my best for you both but my ilness as know got the best of me ,and please dont ever ever let any woman get in between ya both

karl and dannys ….song just the two of us you look after each other forever

stacy
sweat hart i am so so sorry for the fucked up life you have had and not been there for you god you was my little girl but love i no i have let you down so much and hope you can forgive me please turn you life round and make somthing of it before its to late

song you can get it if you really want

big d
well bro i think you the only one who aint really hurt me although when i did need you you wernt there but love ya loads kid

song oasis ,,,,,wonder wall

james what can i say you was so down on fell lane trying to kill ya self you broke my hart man and i was so hurt, i take you in try look after ya up west lane,you got beat up on west lane i tryed sort it out , you get ran over part of me died that day but this still isent anoth you want my wife and kids what the **** was ya thinking bro **** i feel like you kicked me in the head about 100 times you caused me so much pain and i still love ya you take care of yourself and my boys

song heeeeee i like this bit im going on up to the spirit in the sky Lol

lyndon well what can i say you deserve a medal as fucked up as you are lol we had some ups and downs and i would like to thank ya for looking after us all the best you could im greatfull if no won else is you keep ya chin up and chase ya dream

song ,,,,,well this is another easy one ,,,,,,the wonderer

mum god this is a hard one 1st let me say i love you loads and forgive you for how i feel like you sayed before ,life is hard well you aint liying its way to hard for me so please dont be sad its what i feel i need to do and i want you to be happy for me that goes for all of you i just want the pain to go away so please no tears

song pritty woman roy orvison

lee well i dont really feel i no you that well at all its always a quik hello and see ya but what i do no is little dan and karl look up to ya so dont ever let them down cause we all need sombody to lean upon and considering your the youngest bro i have i would like you to just me there for each other thats it easy

song we all need somebody to lean upon ,and would love to think by two lads can lean on you as a older brother

well i think that just about sums it up i dont really want any contact with any of you any more for sertern reasons out of my controll i would like you to think of me dead i am going to move straight after christmas not to return and hopfully get some help and make a fresh start

and im sorry fiona i was not man anough to get my head up out the sand cause i no we could of been good together lov you loads and it hurts me so much for us to part but i know we caint change so lets leave it at that.xxx

PS please dont think im been selfish as im letting you all no how i feel inside

see i now no what caused all these fellings but dont have a cure i no you will say go hospital get help but if i do why should i get locked in ward 4 aint i been punished anough im sat here its Big ds birthday and your all straight across having a laugh partying and to top it all fionas there as well so i know feel pushed away even more ,,

i no am i supost to join you well im sorry but i no if my dad was there my mum wouldent go and if i run of with Big ds girl he wouldent come **** im not blaming no 1 just trying to explain my reactions to how i am so you lot look after your selfs

love you all JOHN

pps staying here just hurts so if i go theres a chance i may get metter .xx

quick question were else is there to go ????????

* 9 minutes ago
* – 3 days left to answer.